I thought I would start my website off the first day of September because it is my favorite month, primarily because my birthday falls during this glorious time. Yes, I am a Virgo, and yes I read my monthly astrology. Whether I believe all of it, that is questionable, however, I definitely find it fascinating. I'm sure I need to occupy myself with a richer supply of literature, but I do enjoy the pure entertainment of it. Or, maybe, I'm searching for something, who knows, anything, and I will take all the signs that I can get. This month, I will be turning the big 3 3. My age has never been an issue for me, apparent for that matter, but I never took in what "being in my thirties" meant up until this year. 30 was an exciting, transitional age; 32 I was still considered cute and blooming; however, something about the age 33 just became downright scary. I can't explain it, it's like some Wrinkle In Time event, where I leapt straight from growing into myself right directly into having to be a full blown adult. In my mind, I'm still some 20-year old, who is just now coming into my adulthood. I'll bet that's probably how most people in my generation feel, so thankfully, I'm not alone.

Times have changed - aging, growing, maturing take place at a different, later age than it once did. Our desires coupled with our responsibilities have been delayed and we are not required to have it all together with some career set trying to build a family like when our parents were growing up. They were doing that type of stuff right out of high school, where as my generation isn't even attempting that out of college. We're still looking to be adventurous and explore and travel and take chances - basically, still think only of ourselves.

I've heard too many times how selfish my generation is - Generation X that is. And we were called that because it is believed by the 'older' folks that my generation will never make any philanthropic contributions to society…I guess any contributions really. The only betterment we are looking for is the betterment of ourselves, allegedly. In my short time here, on planet earth, which is where I think I am, most of the time, I have observed our society with its interesting characters and behaviors. And the one thing, the one common element I have found among many, is this thing that we are all living with, intangibly, inside of us, called Expectations. This feeling of not being satisfied with who we are, where we are, who we're with, or what we're doing. Like there is something more we should be getting and for some strange reason the universe is withholding what is rightfully ours. But what if we are exactly who we're supposed to be and doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing? Even if we're doing nothing, why can't that be ok? We are allowed to go through our moments of reprieve to reflect, than move forward. Someone once said to me that expectations are premeditated resentments.

Being 'in my thirties' gives me angst. These years are actually the time in which we are really just defining ourselves in a committed, thoughtful way. What's worse, is being a woman in my thirties, and no I'm not going to go on some sexist crusade, but there are different pressures, responsibilities and ultimately, once again, expectations of a woman that vary greatly from a man. Without having to spelunk into the topic, men in their thirties are still considered very young, wet behind the ears, laden with insurmountable opportunities, just working their way to becoming successful. Not quite the same for a woman. She is, as history has shown us, expected to be looking to start a family after having already found her safe job. And yes, more of a job, than a career, because career would mean that she would be doing it her whole life time, whereas a job is just for the time being, the time being until she gives up her job to get married and raise children.

Society/people/individuals have placed this expectation upon us, upon me, to be perfect, explained, defined, ready, and to be honest, I'm none of that with probably several more years to go before I can be any of it. Is it my excuse to avoid responsibility or ownership, possibly, very likely, but trust me, if I knew what I wanted in life, what I wanted to be doing every minute of the day, I would choose that route, for 'trying to figure it out' has been quite challenging. I think the one thing I have always known in my life that rings true solely for me, is that I'm happy in knowing that nothing makes me happy. Truthfully speaking than pessimistically sounding, I actually find relief in admitting that my feelings change, my phases of life change, my desires change, and not periodically, but quite whimsically. And I like it. I like being here, then there, and at the same time, really nowhere. This is what I have come to at the age of 33, being at ease and peace with how it all just is versus what it should be.

Can't we just BE? Be happy, be loving, be compassionate, be with morals, be giving, be honest?

I don't want to live up to anyone else's expectations, conform to the group culture, subscribe to any unfitting beliefs. I want to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. That should be the reward to turning 33, the ability to make my own decisions synergetic with having to be accountable for it. That alone is enough for me to deal with. I couldn't imagine getting mind-trapped into some recondite tradition of thinking that will prevent me from the journey I was destined to take. And while on my journey, through this year and the coming years, I will continue to create my own culture, my own set of rules, my own Expectations, and I will let you, them, the world…hear about it, even if I have to radically scream it from the balcony!